Update

Been somewhat busy on my end lately, hence the lack of updates. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!

Growl is the codename for 'comedy'

Growl (1992)

Thought I'd take some time out from the usual random marathon to mention a game I've been having a bash at recently - Growl on the Mega Drive. I'd heard about it before, but nobody ever seemed to mention just how funny it was! I did actually think I'd been dealt Toki at first, but then quickly realised otherwise. Needless to say, the laughter began pretty much as soon as I'd selected my character.

Poachers are apparently big news around the jungle at the moment, and your guys aren't happy at all, no sir. As your pal rages down the phone to someone about the situation (possibly his mother), little does he know that things are about to get rather nasty. You, sat at a table having a quiet half while reading the Times, are rudely interrupted by a mob of pesky delinquents who most certainly aren't there for a round of darts. In fact, completely disregarding the two-for-one offer on Carlsberg between seven and eight, they proceed to blow up the entire establishment with high-powered grenades instead - definitely no darts, then.

Somehow surviving a close-proximity explosion unscathed, yet clearly a little perturbed by the loss of alcohol in the ordeal, you peel yourself off the floor and politely inform your assailants that blowing up your local is exceedingly bad form. Luckily, someone had conveniently left a sword in one of the nearby barrels that blew up and... yeah, you heard me - sword in the barrel, ok? As I was saying - I took the sword and like some kind of possessed devil-twin of Liono, began to hack everything up in sight like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, I found this absolutely hilarious.

But wait, there's more. Confronted by the same harrowing ordeal on a later play of the game, I noticed a couple of other items also dropped after the random act of mindless terrorism - a pistol, and what looked like a chair. This time, I decided to pick up the chair... only I soon discovered that it wasn't actually a chair, oh no. The Landlord, clearly not content with storing swords and handguns in random barrels around his joint, had only gone and stored a fully-loaded military-grade bazooka inside this particular keg. By now, I was cackling like Nick Nolte in a confiscated goods locker.

Back to the plot, with enemies dead you go on the search for a pub with nicer carpets and a quiz night. Alarmingly, you notice the supporting wall is also missing from this one as you make your way through the yawning exit. I guess the landlord never scrolled right enough to notice. Anyway, you presently find yourself in what could only be described as the town of Poacherville. Yep, every man and woman in this town seems to be into the illegal animal handling fad, and they're all after you for trying to spoil their fun. Not to worry, kicking over some random boxes and uncovering the obvious contents of an AK-47 (damn, these guys are careless) ensures a quick dispatch of the first bunch you encounter.

The next piece of comedy gold is just around the corner - the dialogue. Think Captain America and the Avengers and you'll have an idea of what I mean. In a fit of blind rage after having just survived a full-scale onslaught at your regular while massacring ten people in the process, the twig really snaps as you come across a chap randomly whipping a lion. Yeah, that random lion whipping's only for the hipsters these days.

Drawing all your anger, grief and pain from every nerve-ending in your body, you unleash a torrent of verbal destruction upon the hapless whipper.

Wait for it.

'Who do you think you are?'

Damn bloody right! You... lion whipper, you! Put that in your Pez machine and dispense it!

It doesn't end there. After smirking at being able to gib poachers by blowing up barrels by their feet, then being mobbed by a torrenting stream of them from some TARDIS-like train boxcars, I came across a guy who appeared to be getting his face mauled by an eagle. Not to disappoint from your earlier performance, you announce:

'What do you jerks think you're doing?'

To which, I presume the guy imitating a bird-feeder, utters:

'Get lost you wisp.'

Woah, that cuts deep there fella.

The last thing I encountered before I decided I'd laughed enough for one day was the end-of-level boss, who somewhat resembles Dynamo from Running Man. This turned out to be a strange encounter, whereby I'd knock him down, he'd start exploding a lot then get up and charge towards me. Obviously, nobody has told the cast of this game that multiple fatal explosions are actually supposed to kill you. I also discovered that my character was able to pick up and hurl the huge rocks that were lying on the ground at ease, so quite clearly we were dealing with some unearthly beings here. It makes you wonder what kind of people Greenpeace are recruiting these days...

Every once in a while, you'll come across a game like Growl and be glad you did. Even though it's by no means the best scrolling beat-'em-up I've ever played, any title that makes up for its shortfallings with unintendedly hilarious gameplay and quality slapstick dialogue are ok in my book.

[8/10]

Danger: Hazardous SNES Titles

Super Mad Champ (1995)

The biting September winds scythed through my shaking bones as I shoved open the door of the Doctor’s office. Dragging my feet over the frayed Berber, half-slumped, with eyes transfixed on its dirtied beige appearance, I shuffled towards the waiting area. As I reached it, the desk staff glanced up for a split second, gasped and burst out from behind her reception fortress in a flurry of papers.

‘Sir! Are you alright?’ the concerned receptionist asked.

‘I…I…I…’ - I was unable to utter a word in response.

‘This is serious… Dr. Johnson will see you right away.’

I nodded and she dashed off towards a nearby door, half knocking, half pummelling, then frantically grasped at the door handle before flinging herself through. Murmuring ensued, before a cry of ‘WHAT?!’ bellowed through every corner of the surgery. Subsequently, a large, bearded man with thick-rimmed glasses charged out from the open passage.

‘Mr. Kuczynski! Come in immediately!’

I complied, slowly, stumbling past the Nurse as she continued her conversation with the Doctor.

‘When will this madness ever end, Doctor?’ she exclaimed, a resounding fear in her tone.

‘It’s… too late now, dear. We can only try to help these poor, unaware people to continue their lives as normal human beings. There will be scars, hardship and anguish, but we must do our best.’

In agreement, the Nurse sighed, turning away and wiping emerging tears from her grief-stricken face.

‘Now Mr. Kuczynski’ the Doctor said, slamming the office door behind him and directing me to a seat, ‘although I have a good idea of what’s going on here, tell me exactly what you were doing to end up in this state.’

More together now, I began to stutter out sentences,

‘W… well, I was s… sitting at home, p…playing some S…SNES games… and….’

‘Go on.’

‘Well… I was playing some random titles for a b…blog I’m writing and…’

‘Yes…’

‘One of the games I ended up playing was… was…’ my eyes widened as I recalled the ordeal I’d just endured. I attempted to right myself.

‘Mr. Kuczynski?’

‘The g…game I played was… SUPER MAD CHAMP!’

‘Oh dear god…’ the Doctor whispered under his breath, his face awash with terror as he clambered off his seat and backed into a filing cabinet against the wall. Dabbing the sweat off his forehead with a rag, he continued,

‘Boy, listen to me - you are our only hope. You are the only lasting survivor of this horrific phenomenon which has plagued us for so long. Countless others have become brain-dead vegetables as a result, or just… well, I’m sure you can work that out for yourself. The point is, once you have regained full strength, you must write about your experiences for our research.’

‘B… but!’

The Doctor persisted, and began to hastily usher me out of the room.

‘It will be difficult, I cannot deny this. But it must be done. Your keyboard is your weapon and your mind the ammunition. Rob – we're depending on you. Go now and save humanity!’

So, here I am on Doctor’s orders, ready to tell the world about my near-fatal gaming episode. The game itself is so hazardous that Hans Blix had developer Tsukuda Original investigated for harbouring weapons of mass destruction. It’s also rumoured that prisoners on Death Row are forced to play this game for at least an hour a day as a repressive measure. Furthermore, there are reports that so-called ‘N-Force’ soldiers in Afghanistan had TV screens mounted on their chests, connected to a SNES playing this title in their backpack. Afghan casualties were countless.

Maybe.

To get down to real business, firstly, Super Mad Champ is in no way super. However, it can make you exceedingly mad. Let’s also change the ‘a’ in ‘champ’ to a ‘u’ instead, as you really are an utter chump if you ever decide to buy, play or even be in the same room as somebody entertaining this game.

My first impressions of the content, which is principally bike racing, led me to believe that the game was some kind of Hang On clone. These were eventually invalidated when the game turned out to be more like Road Rash, but I’ll explain about this more a little later.

When you begin, you’re offered the choice a couple of game modes - Grand Prix and Time Attack. You also have the chance to select one of five characters, although your decision doesn’t appear to have any statistical bearing when you race. Then, depending on how much money you want to try and win, you’re prompted to choose a track to compete on. Of course, the higher the money offered, the more complex the track. Notice I refrained from saying ‘difficult’ here.

The reason why this game does not become more ‘difficult’ is due to the fact that, through-and-through, this is an extremely easy game. For instance, don’t worry about hurtling down straights at top speed without knowing the course, because when you hit a corner, you won’t need to brake. Not only will you not need to brake, but you won’t even need to lift your finger off the accelerator. In fact, I don’t even think I discovered where the brake was. Yes, every corner that I encountered in this game could be taken flat-out. Even when I began power sliding due to cornering at these speeds, this didn’t cause me to under-steer or go any slower at all.

On discovering the atrocious physics the game had to offer, along with the fact that it has some of the jerkiest graphics ever to grace the SNES, I was asking myself why I had ever decided to put myself through the pain that Accidental Gaming can inflict on a man. I haven’t even started on the control system yet, which resembles trying to corner a Volvo on an ice rink, nor have I touched upon the abominable combat system that’s included.

Ah yes, the combat system.

Somehow, Tsukuda Original felt it could take on the mighty EA in the motorised violence stakes, which I suppose is fair enough considering the Road Rash series never actually graced the SNES. Even so, this does not mean that Tsukuda Original should be praised in any way for trying to bring something similar to the console. Instead, they should have been arrested.

To explain a bit more about the fighting system, when riding, it basically involves using the L and R buttons to take a swing at opponents around you. Unlike Road Rash, you don’t seem to be able to grab weapons off people, which quickly makes things extremely boring. However, what I did find mildly amusing is that if you happen to fall off your bike, watch out because other bikers will either try to run you over or dismount and proceed to deck the crap out of you. The game almost becomes like a basic version of Street Fighter at this point, as you use all of two attacks (punch and flying kick) to try and take your assailant’s health bar down. You can also pick up your downed bikes and throw them at each other.

There’s little else to mention about this game apart from the fact there’s a bike shop to go to with your winnings, where you can ogle newer bikes, have yours repaired or tune it up. As the game is in Japanese, I actually managed to sell my bike without having a replacement, which in retrospect was nothing short of a genius idea – no more bike, no more torture. It’s also good news for you guys reading as I’ve given this pile of shite far too much exposure already.

[0/10] (it won't go lower)

The Hunt for Red October (1992)

Ah, what a great film; nothing like watching everyone’s favourite pensioner commanding a sub full of Ruskies in a good old duke against the Americans. A movie made only more classic by the fact that nobody on the ship seems to notice that ‘Captain Marko Ramius’ is consistently speaking with a pronounced Scottish accent - ‘Och aye, Comrades!’

Naturally, when this game popped up on the randomiser, I was eager to get stuck in. Sitting in the warm glow of my screen, words began to emerge in front of me in typewriter-fashion, detailing the film’s storyline:

‘But according to repeated statements by both Soviet and American governments, nothing of what you are about to see … ever happened.’

Following my ten-minute session on The Hunt for Red October, I began to wonder if these statements were actually made in relation to the game itself, rather than a submarine incident.

The sad truth is that this rendition is average at best, adding itself to the heaving pile of dreadful film tie-ins (read: cash-ins) that have been released over the years. You take control of the Red October (used on the loosest of terms, because it could well be any old sub), where you’re fed assignments on a mission-orientated basis. Sounds exciting, but in reality these missions basically entail taking your sub out for a ride over side-scrolling levels and shooting anything that gets in your way. As for munitions, you have four methods of firing available, including a torpedo, a surface shot, a type of arcing shot and a depth charge. These run out over time, and can only be replenished by collecting glowing power-ups that are dotted around the sea. They also replenish some of your health at the same time, which incidentally works on a percentage basis.

There’s also a bonus stage available that involves shooting down adversaries in a first-person view. Incidentally, if you happen to own a Super Scope, now’s the time to dust off and plug in as you’re able to use it as an alternative to your joypad here. Indeed, after finding matters extremely sluggish-going using the d-pad during my woeful efforts, the Scope would seem like the most preferable option.

As much as I tried to like this game, it soon became apparent that this would be in vain. Despite encountering a range of different subs, ships and planes to dispatch on my travels, as well as mounted guns and enemy bases, fervour soon turned to monotony. Furthermore, as I touched upon previously, the game really could be any other submarine game if it wanted to be, with almost no nod in the direction of the film at all. At least Connery’s face appears on the box!

Taking this factor into account, I’m not sure that even die-hard fans of the film could find any long-term enjoyment from this title. There’s not enough variety by anybody’s standards, and a lack of solid gameplay means this one’s most certainly doomed to the depths of the Atlantic.

Now, where’s that Stolichnaya…

[3/10]

Sonic Blast Man (1992)

‘The Hero of Justice has arrived!’

I began looking around for the disclaimer. There was none to be found.

But, I digress.

Imagine for a moment, if you will, the lonely hearts section at the back of a newspaper. You’re a woman (stay with me here). Sad and lonely as you are, you begin scanning through the pages rammed with seedy advertisements, eager for something to hit you in the face; that special someone who will change your life forever. Sure enough, something eventually catches your eye. An advert with snazzy writing and lightning bolts for a border reads:

‘Sonic Blast Man – Hero of Justice. Superhuman build, fast-thinking, knowledge of all the right moves. Looking for a partner seeking lessons in law and order from the saviour of humanity, including upholding the integrity of society, foiling crime in the face of adversity and romantic candlelit dinners. Brain not required.’

It sounds all too good to be true. You read the last line again, suspiciously. Nevertheless, you’ve been waiting for this for too long – this has to be the one. Providing they aren’t a psycho, everything’s going to be peachy.

Such a shame everything doesn’t always go by the script, isn’t it?

Think of playing Sonic Blast Man as turning up at his address the next Saturday night and discovering that he lives in a caravan just off the M25. Eyebrow firmly raised, you tap hesitantly on the door.

A split second later, the door is flung open. Revealed is a man wearing spandex and brightly-painted cardboard boxes from head to toe, brandishing a tin-foil-covered egg-whisk in your face while proudly reciting the lyrics to ‘Take That and Party’.

Overweight and drooling, he attempts to maintain his balance as he gives his tone-deaf performance, toppling a nearby pile of beer cans onto the floor in the process. In the depths of the van, you glimpse a Christmas-light adorned shrine to what looks like Optimus Prime, comprising mainly of vast numbers of pictures and action figures. More worryingly, a worn-looking inflatable rendition of the Autobot leader is propped up against the back wall – decked out in a bra and matching thong.

The Hero of Justice hits the 2nd verse. You, violently screaming, turn and hurtle into the night.

Luckily for me, a) I’m not sad b) lonely or c) a woman and d) I have a power button. The last of these at least comes in most handy if you ever pick up Sonic Blast Man.

The game itself is a bog-standard scrolling beat-‘em-up, where you take on the role of the most uncharismatic super hero in history. Immediately, you notice how slowly he plods around the garish scenery. Now, I know the guy’s adorned in metal and everything, but come on, I’ve seen fridge-freezers move quicker than this.

Things aren’t much better in the moves department. The standard punch is swift, though it doesn’t build up into any kind of combo. There’s also a range of grab attacks and throws to be utilised, though they all pretty much amount to the same thing. You also have a special attack that makes you rise into the air in a helicopter-like fashion, but this drains energy and makes you stoop knackered on the floor for five seconds on landing, even if you don’t hit anything. Pressing this by accident can result in many large objects being thrown at your poor TV.

The enemies you encounter are your standard bland thugs, but they do take a good pummelling before their eventual disappearance into thin air. This is actually a pretty good thing, as you do need something to lay-into for a while to relieve the anger garnered by picking this game up in the first place. Similarly, the first level appeared to go on for absolutely ages, but I did eventually reach a boss character. Unfortunately, winning this battle turned out to be about as impossible as completing a Rubik Cube blindfolded. I lost my lives quickly and pressed continue. Finding myself back at the start of the level again, I hesitantly declined to play any more, dragging myself away from this wonderful title. Thank you, Taito, for this experience you have given me.

Hey, decking those thugs really did work!

Here’s another reason to hate… er love Sonic Blast Man. Remember the days when you used to toddle into your local arcade to have a few games on your favourite machines, quite happy with the befuddled combination of bleeps and musical scores buzzing around your ears. Then recall settling into your rhythm and racking up a potentially decent score, only to have your concentration abruptly shattered by a loud THWACK from the other end of the room. Disgruntled, you’d peer over to spy a pack of townies in puffer jackets, guffawing around one of the machines. Do you remember what that machine was? That’s right – the arcade version of Sonic Blast Man - every weedy chav’s weapon of choice for showing off his (lack of) prowess to his mates.

If this isn’t enough to put the Hero of Justice down in your estimation, I don’t know what is.

Please, oh mighty gods of all that is random, let me play just one nice game this week. Please?

[2/10]

Ardy Lightfoot (1994)

Ok, so I guess I’ve done something really bad lately.

Think of every platform game you’ve ever played. Now imagine perhaps one element from each of those, mash them all together in one big ugly lump and you pretty much have the confused muddle that is Ardy Lightfoot.

Here’s a rundown.

The name itself suggests something to do with being quick, and you’d be totally correct in thinking this as the method in which the character accelerates is extremely similar to that of Sonic the Hedgehog. Stopping is also uncannily comparable, and you can also push blocks around as Sonic would do. In the graphics department, the visuals remind me of a cross between Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle and Bubsy the Bobcat, and the way you have a little pet to throw around is not too dissimilar to Psycho Fox on the Master System. You also have the ability to pogo around using your tail, which borrows more than a little from Duck Tales. Not only this, but on the first level, you get the feeling you’re back in Super Mario Brothers 2 all over again with the ‘blow up wall by throwing bomb’ scenario you encounter early on.

I could go on for a while about other titles that this game sponges from, but it’s really not worth the exerting the effort – this game is a lacklustre affair. The controls are sluggish and the experience offers absolutely nothing that hasn’t been done better over the timeline of gaming. Apart from the music, the sound could well have been created using a BBC Micro, and there are some terrible design flaws present. For instance, at one part on level 2, you can collect an extra life by jumping up on some conveyor belts and walking along until you reach a chest. On doing this myself, I actually died on the way back down, but this was not a problem as after restarting from my checkpoint, I found that I was able to go back and collect the exact same extra life again. This is inexcusably lazy.

Furthermore, the beginning of the first ‘boss’ encounter at the end of the second level also made me chuckle, as I was able to stand within shooting range of the boss, but not be able to do any damage at all until I walked a bit further and the ‘event’ began. Small things like this make it all too apparent that Ardy Lightfoot was created without much love or thought.

There’s really no need to check this game out, and I hope my views have prevented you from experiencing a truly dire game. Boring, beaten by other platformers and best forgotten.

[1/10]

Gunforce – Battle Fire Engulfed Terror Island (1992)

You can put your teeth back in now.

Originally created by the famous Irem for the arcade, the SNES gained its own port a year later. With R-Type already tucked securely under its belt for a good few years, surely the godfather of horizontal shooters could adapt the formula in a platform-style environment? Well, not quite.

Stylistically, the game holds definite similarities to the series that Irem is so well known for, with chunky, detailed sprites and exaggerated explosions. The screen is constantly rammed with enemies from top to bottom which can get pretty hectic at times, but this is made slightly easier to bear as you don’t die on contact like you would in most games – they have to actually shoot you.

Although there’s no kind of Force in this game, you can collect a wide range of different arms, such as bazookas, flamethrowers and auto-firing weapons. There’s also the opportunity to commandeer certain vehicles and gun mounts that you come across on your travels, which puts a slightly different spin on proceedings. Some of these are laughably implemented, such as being able to somehow fly a helicopter while you’re stationed on its side gun and manoeuvring it like a Harrier Jump-Jet in the process. Maverick would be jealous.

The level design is interesting enough to keep you playing, and the boss encounters are nicely choreographed. In a lot of ways, the game reminded me of something from the Contra series, but unfortunately it’s not quite up there with that kind of royalty. Gunforce just seems to lack something.

Despite the sheen plastered on by Irem’s artists, the gameplay itself becomes rather insipid as you trudge through each stage. None of the gun upgrades you collect are particularly exciting, and there’s no real thought or strategy required in dispatching enemies effectively, just a lot of jumping around firing. However, if it’s some no-strings-attached mindless blasting you’re after, then I suppose you can’t really go wrong here.

As a short disclaimer, this game could well be less playable than I made out, but I’ve almost forgotten what a decent game is over the course of this last period of randomness. If I’ve learned anything this week it’s that the SNES had some truly awful titles that should be left dead and buried at any cost. Gunforce is by far the best of an atrocious bunch.

[6/10]