Another period of inactivity!

Yes, updates have been a little thin on the ground recently. This is mainly due to a combination of losing my phoneline for 2 weeks, the busy Christmas period in general and at present being in the middle of jetting back and forward to the UK for social reasons. I'm not sure when the next installment will arrive, but you'll see it when it does!

Bye for now... oh and get a Wii if you haven't already!

Wii - The Virtual Console (Part 1)

As you are probably very well aware of, Nintendo’s new Wii is just around the corner from its launch dates across November and December, depending on what territory you hail from. Having made it my first pre-order console since the Dreamcast and dunking myself neck-deep in all kinds of propaganda over the last few weeks, I thought I’d make a little diversion here on Accidental Gaming to cover the initial launch titles penned in for the Virtual Console channel on the Wii. This will most likely take place over two or three parts, hopefully wrapping up before the console is actually out the door in at least one region!

Thanks should go to IGN.com as my reference point for the list of proposed launch titles. Oh, and I’ll honestly try and stay off the Wii puns as much as possible.

To start off, a look at the crop of original Nintendo games set for inclusion.

Nintendo Entertainment System

Mario Bros. (1986 – US, EU):

Not much cause for going into huge detail here. Unless you’ve been living under some kind of insanely huge rock in the middle of the Nevada Desert with industrial earmuffs duct taped to your face and a paper bag over your head, you’ll know the who, why, where and what of Mario and his endless capers in stalking princesses, stomping on wildlife, stealing coins, eating magic mushrooms and driving cars recklessly, amongst other things.

No, he wasn’t last week’s photo fit on Crimewatch.

Not to be confused with Super Mario Bros. which came out a couple of years later, this is the maiden Mario Bros. game where you must clear a screen of invading foes by head-butting the floor under their feet and punting them to their doom. Coins, as always, are there to be collected and a POW block in the lower-middle section offers some temporary respite from the hectic onslaught. The game also offers a simultaneous 2-player option, which should bode well with the Wii’s emphasis on communal gaming, and should be a fairly popular download on the console.

[7/10]

The Legend of Zelda (1987 – US, EU):

Again, a title I should not have to offer too much introduction to.

Yes, this is the one that started it all off – and not just the Zelda series itself, but the phenomenon of perhaps the most common misconception of a video game character’s identity ever. Even today, some people will still reply ‘Zelda’ if you offer them a picture of Link and ask who it is. You know who you are.

For the uninformed, be prepared to hack, slash and puzzle your way through one of the best examples of action-adventuring to grace any console. Critically acclaimed by an overwhelming number of gamers, journos and organisations over the years, I’m certainly not one to break the mould. Heck, if The Legend of Zelda never came along, The Ocarina of Time would never have been released and I would have been robbed of perhaps my favourite RPG gaming experience ever. For this reason alone, I’m in its debt.

Roots are always a great thing to return to, and this is no exception. The Legend of Zelda should quite simply be riding as high as the top three of your Virtual Console shopping list this Christmas. You’ll thank me later.

[10/10]

Donkey Kong (1986 - US, EU):

Inheriting perhaps one of the strangest video game titles ever conceived, the deceptively mule-lacking Donkey Kong (a name which would later land Nintendo in the courtroom for obvious reasons) was finally granted its home release on a Nintendo console outside of Japan a good five years after its emergence on the coin-op stage. Before this, Colecovision owners were the ones initially enjoying the rule on playground arguments due to an exclusive release of the title in 1982, with a couple of other average ports seeing the light of day as Coleco allowed the rights to other developers soon after.

Come the NES port, and things were looking very rosy indeed. Offering an accurate port of the classic arcade hit, the Big N were on to a winner with their flagship Mario trying to outwit a gorilla three-times his size to rescue the inaugural girl in distress. Throw in navigating girders, dodging fiery spirits and jumping barrels, and you have a plumber’s average day at work, apparently. No wonder they get paid so much.

The only major quibble most people have with the NES port is the lack of the 'custard pie factory' level, which is a shame, but doesn't make the game instantly missable.

People liked Donkey Kong back then, and with good cause, as it’s still an utterly playable title in the present day. This signals another strong title for the Virtual Console under its belt.

[7/10]

Donkey Kong Jr. (1986-7 – US, EU):

My first personal memories of Donkey Kong Junior come from the Game & Watch version that my parents got for my Brother one Christmas. I must have been about three or four at the time, and a full twenty-odd years later Nintendo are still managing to flog the thing in one form or another. When you put it in that kind of perspective, it’s really quite something.

In essence, the game is largely similar to its predecessor, although this time Mario has managed to put your dad under lock and key and it’s your job as the avenging son to rescue him from captivity. Thankfully, the level design is different enough to make Donkey Kong Jr. a worthy title in its own right, with vines and springs to manipulate, fruit to drop on adversaries and a host of obstacles to avoid. Again, the NES handles the conversion in an accurate manner, retaining all the playability of the arcade original.

If I were to choose between the original Donkey Kong and this incarnation, I have a feeling I’d go for this one instead. It’s basically taking the raw playability of its founder and tacking some bells and whistles on here and there, ending up a bit like a Morris Dancer refereeing a football game.

On second thought, if you think that sounds appealing, perhaps you should be elsewhere – somewhere far from me.

[8/10]

Ice Hockey (1988 - US, EU):

I assume this one has only been chalked up to appease our dear neighbours across the pond. I say this because, although I am a fan of hockey myself, I’m in no way supporting this game. Yes, it was probably pretty good for 1988 but as far as hockey, or even good games go, this isn’t ticking any of the right boxes.

With a barren set of options and a meagre 6 international teams to choose from, things don’t start out well. Once you’ve selected your team, you can choose the physique of your four ‘outfield’ players – the skinny guy who’s quick but weak, the all-rounder with balanced attributes and the beefcake who’s powerful in all areas but as slow as Dawn French on an assault course.

Unfortunately, the bottom line with this game is that it’s just not much fun. Your squad mince around the rink like they have no sense of direction and there’s a total lack of organisation when it comes to tactical play. Chuck in the fact that Konami were doing some endlessly better things with Blades of Steel at around the same time and there isn’t much reason to give Ice Hockey the time of day.

As another alternative, you could always wait until Nintendo gain the rights to NHL ’94 on the Mega Drive. On that day, the world will be a better place.

[2/10]

Pinball (1985-6 - US, EU):

Does exactly what it says on the tin – what you are about to play involves flippers, bumpers and balls. But, from the hundreds of pinball games that have been released into the gaming market over the years, is there really any reason to be singling this effort out for acclaim? Well, not really.

Launching your ball into a generic, uninspiring table, you’re never greeted with any kind of surprise or clever design touches that make pinball the game that it is. Instead, you’re doomed to simply whacking a ball around a table and watching the score tick over. The physics are fairly imprecise, but that’s to be expected from a game as old as this, which was in fact one of the launch titles for the NES itself.

Although this must be one of only a handful pinball games with an actual plotline ever, where the tireless scamp Mario is up to his princess-saving business again, any evidence of this only comes into play on the bonus stages. These stages play more like Breakout than a pinball table, where you attempt to save Pamela from the clutches of… well, nothing. She’s just running aimlessly around in a boxed-in enclosure which appears to have a weak wall or two, surely tempting a possible escape. Make some effort love, Schofield managed it!

This game’s definitely no Pinball Fantasies, which is what you should be playing if you really like your pinball. However, if you’re after some no-brainer flipping action to crunch some hours on your Wii, this could be an option for you. I guess you could do the hoovering at the same time.

[5/10]

Soccer (1987 – US, EU):

Perhaps the fact that I’ve been playing Pro Evolution Soccer 6 non-stop for the past week is the reason why this game seems like utter garbage to me. Naturally, I’ll understand if you want to ignore my views for this reason, but I’m also willing to put my house on anybody who has played Soccer giving you the same prognosis as I do. Ok, so I don’t actually own a house, but that’s not the point.

If you want fast-flowing, end-to-end football with individuality and replayability, you’re really in the wrong town, district and country, fella. Mind-numbingly sluggish gameplay is most definitely the order of the day in this diabolical excuse for kickball. Your players stumble around the pitch like somebody’s tied their shoes together, their ability to control a ball resembles a pensioner kicking a dog bowl over and the shooting, well… let’s not go there.

If you do manage to get through an entire half, please write to me with your thoughts so I don’t have to spend any more time padding this review out. Thank you.

Oh wait, I appear to have started typing the next heading…

[1/10]

Tennis (1985-6 - US, EU):

Cripes, another archaic Nintendo sports title. Luckily, Tennis is the best of the three covered here so far. That’s right, be calm.

With no nonsense getting into a game at all, this game really is pick-up-and-play in its purest form. One or two people can get stuck right into the action and battle it out on-court with some surprisingly faithful physics and you-know-who sitting in the umpire’s chair. There are also a number of difficulty levels to choose from in case you think you’re a bit tasty.

The only issue I have with this game is that it’s probably a little pointless to own, the reason being of course that Wii Sports is bundled with the console in most territories, which contains tennis, boxing, golf, baseball and bowling. Really, the lure of four-player action utilising the Wiimote’s motion sensor technology is going to eclipse anything that the humble Tennis can offer the average Wii owner. For this reason, Tennis should perhaps only be bought for nostalgic value if anything, but there is no denying that some fun can be had with it.

[6/10]

Urban Champion (1986 - US, EU):

I’d never heard of this game before today, and with very good reason – it’s crap.

The main objective in this title is for you to square up to another urban-type bloke and engage in a bit of fisticuff action. With the ability to throw low and high punches, as well as block, your ultimate goal is to deck your opponent to the point where they’re falling off the end of the screen and nearer the dreaded open sewer hole further along the road. If you manage to get that far and knock them down, you move on to lay into another random chap. On your way, people in the shop windows will throw things at you every now and again and you need to watch your stamina as it inevitably decreases if you’re hit by falling pots or indeed your adversary.

And that’s really all there is to it.

I’m not sure how difficult the game would end up getting, but in the stages that I played you could quite simply use the same timing to walk up, lay a haymaker on your opponent and do the same when they got back up. They did block a few times as I neared the promised land of Poweroff, but seriously, you’d have to be exceedingly bored to play this highly limited game, which ends up coming down to button mashing and rife tedium.

If you really wanted to play something similar, but better, I would suggest either My Hero for the Master System or River City Ransom on the NES. Whether or not either of these will make the Virtual Console is another matter.

[2/10]

Wario’s Woods (1994 - US, EU):

A late game in the lifespan of the NES, and in fact, the last licensed game to be released in the United States. It was also released on the SNES with extra features, which were removed due to the limitations of the NES.

Wario’s Woods is a Tetris-style puzzle game that on first impressions appears much like many of the countless variations of the pentomino-stacking Russian classic. However, once you begin playing the game, you notice it’s a little different to the norm.

The first point of interest is that you actually take on the role of the famous Toad, and are primarily able to run around the bottom of the screen and up the sides of the ‘block area’. Forest creatures will soon fall from above, and you can manipulate these by picking them up and stacking them together. Coloured bombs will also begin to emerge, which are relative to the colour of the creatures. Getting a combination of one or more bombs and at least enough creatures together in a line to make the total equal three and upwards will cause the bombs to explode and blast any creatures away in the line. The goal is to remove all creatures from the playing field to complete the level.

There’s a number of modes to choose from before you get started, including ‘round mode’ (progressing through levels), ‘time attack’, ‘vs.’ and ‘lesson mode’. Unfortunately, the versus mode only offers you the chance to play against another human opponent – an option to play against some AI would not have gone amiss, but look no further than the SNES version if this is what you’re after.

Wario’s Woods seems like a fun puzzler, and as with most games from the genre, could keep you occupied for hours if you had the time and patience. There’s a ranking feature to keep your scores and the two-player mode will obviously add bags of longevity. It’s not my favourite puzzle game ever by some margin, but a laudable diversion nonetheless.

[7/10]

Baseball (1985 - US, EU):

The final sports title to be resurrected from the depths of the NES catalogue, but fear not as Baseball weighs in comparatively to Tennis in the gameplay stakes, unlike the other two titles which are best left forgotten.

Once again, the order of the day with Baseball is simply instant gaming gratification, doing away with any kind of stats, attributes or unnecessary extras. This game is all about two evenly matched teams duking it out on the diamond to try and rack up as many runs batted in as possible. Pitchers will try and fool batters with an arsenal of bowling styles, while the hitters in-turn attempt to belt a fly-ball into the clear skies and hurtle towards the furthest base possible. Using a little of your own imagination to make up for the NES’s lack of graphical prowess, Baseball is presented it in a fashion that pretty much anybody can find enjoyment from.

As with Tennis, however, Baseball may find itself on the back burner due to the inevitable stickball rendition that’s coming bundled within Wii Sports. But at the prospective price of $5, you can’t really go wrong with giving this game a little bit of your time, perhaps when you get tired of waving your arms around in the updated offerings.

[6/10]

Solomon’s Key (1987 - US, EU):

With the likes of Zelda coming out for the Virtual Console in December, you could well find yourself taking up the majority of the Chrimbo period playing only a handful of the NES games outlined in this feature. Probably for the best, if it means avoiding Soccer.

So what about squeezing Tecmo’s Solomon’s Key into your busy schedule? Personally, I’d say it certainly has good grounds for inclusion. To give a brief explanation of what it’s about, the basic premise is to navigate your guy, Dana, around single-screen levels collecting keys to open the exit to the next stage. Unsurprisingly, things aren’t quite as straightforward as this, as you’re required to tackle various kinds of enemies inhabiting each area on your travels. The problem is, until you collect a power-up when one becomes available, the only method of doing this is with your ability to place magic blocks on the floor next to you to stop advancing foes, which can also be broken with a swift thwack from your wand or a couple of standard head-butts if you need to remove them yourself.

Using these blocks as stepping stones instead, you can manoeuvre your way around the scenery, but care is needed as monsters are able to dissolve them from beneath your feet. There are a few secrets placed around at certain intervals, and collecting the bell on each level, which will normally take you out of your way, will grant you with a mysterious fairy at the exit door.

From the short period I played Solomon’s Key, I could see that it was an intriguing title with some welcome puzzle elements. It also appears to have been released on just about every platform of the time, which usually signifies some kind of popularity. Give it a go.

[7/10]

Super Nintendo

F-Zero (1991-2 – US, EU):

Hello, page skimmers! As I’m sure there are some of you out there, to cater for this in most generous fashion I can muster, here are a few words for you to chew on before you get back to it:

F-Zero is a game that was designed by Shigeru Miyamoto. When it comes out on the Virtual Console, you buy it. See you later!

For everybody else, this is the mere tip of the iceberg when describing what an essential game F-Zero is. Offering high-velocity futuristic racing from the word go, the game literally oozes speed from every outlet with some awesome Mode 7 trickery on show, proving to people at the time what the SNES could really do. Clipping right-angled corners, blazing away from other competitors after hitting an accumilated turbo on a track's sweet-spot and flinging yourself over gaping imperfections in the landscape are all experiences you will learn and cherish every time you shove F-Zero into your cartridge slot. SNES owners were quite simply in racing heaven with one of the most characteristic and challenging titles ever witnessed over the timeline of video gaming. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention it boasts a superb, blood-pumping soundtrack, which sounds wholly impressive by any 16-bit game's standards.

Unfortunately, once you’ve roared your way around the likes of Mute City, Big Blue and Port Town in various track layouts for a while, you begin to realise something is missing; something that would have utterly cemented the game in legend for years to come. If you don’t have any friends, you might just survive – big clue here. Got it yet? That’s right – F-Zero has NO multiplayer mode. None whatsoever. Zilch, zero, zip. Yes, it’s ok to cry.

Nintendo later rectified this tragic omission with its conversion of the franchise on the Gameboy Advance and the souped-up monster that was F-Zero X for the Nintendo 64, where you could race up to 29 other computer opponents in the single player mode without even getting started on the four-player excellence available.

Back to the SNES version in hand and this gamer sincerely hopes rumours are true that Nintendo will be sprucing up some of its back catalogues before resurrecting them on the Wii. If SNES titles are up for a make-over, we can only dream that perhaps new multiplayer modes could be implemented and wouldn’t be a bridge too far for the likes of F-Zero - it’s undoubtedly deserving enough. In any case, make this title your inaugural SNES purchase.

[9/10]

SimCity (1991-2 - US, EU):

Ah yes, everybody’s favourite game of destruction… I mean, construction. But come on, let’s be realistic here – who really gained greater enjoyment out of building up a thriving city more than pummelling it into the ground after a few clicks around the ‘natural disasters’ menu afterwards? That’s right, nobody.

Although I certainly enjoyed Will Wright’s SimCity, as well its sequels and spin-offs, I was always lucky enough to play these on a PC of some description. As with any strategy game, using a mouse and keyboard is infinitely easier than other control methods at getting things to do what you want, hence why I never gave the SNES version of SimCity the time of day. Yes, it was a good move to release it on consoles back then, as PCs were expensive and it would have been unfair not to try and push the distribution of such an important game as far as possible.

Today is different, and unless Nintendo are planning on making SimCity compatible with the Wiimote as a controller system, I can’t see much reason to buy the SNES version over the PC. I mean, most people have access to PCs these days – if you really wanted to play SimCity on such a regular basis, I’m sure you would have ordered a cheapo PC instead of a Wii to play it on, or at least you already own one.

This issue aside, SimCity is very much the same over most computer and console versions, as the basic graphics could be converted to pretty much any system back in the day, without the worry of pushing their technical boundaries too much. The objectives are also consistent across the board – build a city with residential and commercial areas, get some power stations and plumbing on the go, then throw in some police and fire departments and you’re on your way. The real challenge comes with maintaining the city you’ve just built, with issues such as taxes, riots and the aforementioned natural disasters to grapple with during your time in office. There are also scenarios to tackle which offer a nice slant to proceedings. City planning has never been so much fun.

My final take on this game is simply to re-iterate that if you really cannot get to a PC and play SimCity or some of its excellent offspring, I won’t blame you for picking it up on Virtual Console. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to mock you, though.

[5/10]

Nintendo 64

Mario 64 (1996 - US, EU):

Before I start on Mario’s Nintendo 64 outing, I’d first like to mention how gleefully excited I am about the possibility of N64 games gaining overhauls for the Wii. If you’ve played on an N64 recently, you’ll weep at how many of your favourites have somehow turned into a foggy, dull mess when you go back to give them a retrospective once-over. Goldeneye is a perfect example of this, with the multiplayer mode that we absolutely thrashed out to the limits when I was going through secondary school reduced to the experience of looking at a seemingly tiny square on your screen with a framerate of about ten and failing to aim properly at anything as a result. Were we all delusional back then?

All will be revealed when the Big N go ahead with the release of the game that expertly redefined the entire platform genre when it left the labs of Miyamoto in the middle of the last decade. Nobody had every played anything quite like Mario 64 before, and the absolute killer combination of exhilarating 3D visuals and Nintendo’s figurehead mascot meant the game was only going to be destined for wonderful things. Eleven million copies sold later, you wonder if there’s anybody left to who’s yet to play it.

However, to be quite frank for a moment, I've personally never given Mario 64 a whole lot of game time since its arrival, but then I've never given any Mario game in history as much attention as the early Sonic games, for instance. I can understand how awesome the games were on the grand scheme of things, but as a Mega Drive owner I was obviously not getting even a thought of a Mario game on my console from the powers that be, and was relegated to playing at friends houses and so forth. Perhaps the only titles I did play a lot featuring the famous plumbers were those that emerged on the Gameboy and in the old Game & Watch series. On this realisation, here's to the Wii making my Mario experience a little more extensive.

In any case, whatever I or anybody else portrays about the game, there’s absolutely no doubting that Mario 64 is going to be an extremely popular title on the Wii, if not the most popular, at least in the early stages. Heck, I’ll most likely even turn in some of my crazy earth euros for a copy.

Anyway, enough of listening to me - simply buy the game, make your own assumptions and you surely won’t be disappointed.

[8/10] (more of a popularity score than anything on my part)

So, ladies and gents, this wraps up the first part of my quick overview on the initial 'Nintendo's own' Virtual Console titles to be launched for the Wii. As promised, I’ll be looking at the Mega Drive (Genesis) and TG-16 releases when I can muster enough motivation to do so. Patience is a virtue and all that. Au revoir for now!

Update

Been somewhat busy on my end lately, hence the lack of updates. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!

Growl is the codename for 'comedy'

Growl (1992)

Thought I'd take some time out from the usual random marathon to mention a game I've been having a bash at recently - Growl on the Mega Drive. I'd heard about it before, but nobody ever seemed to mention just how funny it was! I did actually think I'd been dealt Toki at first, but then quickly realised otherwise. Needless to say, the laughter began pretty much as soon as I'd selected my character.

Poachers are apparently big news around the jungle at the moment, and your guys aren't happy at all, no sir. As your pal rages down the phone to someone about the situation (possibly his mother), little does he know that things are about to get rather nasty. You, sat at a table having a quiet half while reading the Times, are rudely interrupted by a mob of pesky delinquents who most certainly aren't there for a round of darts. In fact, completely disregarding the two-for-one offer on Carlsberg between seven and eight, they proceed to blow up the entire establishment with high-powered grenades instead - definitely no darts, then.

Somehow surviving a close-proximity explosion unscathed, yet clearly a little perturbed by the loss of alcohol in the ordeal, you peel yourself off the floor and politely inform your assailants that blowing up your local is exceedingly bad form. Luckily, someone had conveniently left a sword in one of the nearby barrels that blew up and... yeah, you heard me - sword in the barrel, ok? As I was saying - I took the sword and like some kind of possessed devil-twin of Liono, began to hack everything up in sight like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, I found this absolutely hilarious.

But wait, there's more. Confronted by the same harrowing ordeal on a later play of the game, I noticed a couple of other items also dropped after the random act of mindless terrorism - a pistol, and what looked like a chair. This time, I decided to pick up the chair... only I soon discovered that it wasn't actually a chair, oh no. The Landlord, clearly not content with storing swords and handguns in random barrels around his joint, had only gone and stored a fully-loaded military-grade bazooka inside this particular keg. By now, I was cackling like Nick Nolte in a confiscated goods locker.

Back to the plot, with enemies dead you go on the search for a pub with nicer carpets and a quiz night. Alarmingly, you notice the supporting wall is also missing from this one as you make your way through the yawning exit. I guess the landlord never scrolled right enough to notice. Anyway, you presently find yourself in what could only be described as the town of Poacherville. Yep, every man and woman in this town seems to be into the illegal animal handling fad, and they're all after you for trying to spoil their fun. Not to worry, kicking over some random boxes and uncovering the obvious contents of an AK-47 (damn, these guys are careless) ensures a quick dispatch of the first bunch you encounter.

The next piece of comedy gold is just around the corner - the dialogue. Think Captain America and the Avengers and you'll have an idea of what I mean. In a fit of blind rage after having just survived a full-scale onslaught at your regular while massacring ten people in the process, the twig really snaps as you come across a chap randomly whipping a lion. Yeah, that random lion whipping's only for the hipsters these days.

Drawing all your anger, grief and pain from every nerve-ending in your body, you unleash a torrent of verbal destruction upon the hapless whipper.

Wait for it.

'Who do you think you are?'

Damn bloody right! You... lion whipper, you! Put that in your Pez machine and dispense it!

It doesn't end there. After smirking at being able to gib poachers by blowing up barrels by their feet, then being mobbed by a torrenting stream of them from some TARDIS-like train boxcars, I came across a guy who appeared to be getting his face mauled by an eagle. Not to disappoint from your earlier performance, you announce:

'What do you jerks think you're doing?'

To which, I presume the guy imitating a bird-feeder, utters:

'Get lost you wisp.'

Woah, that cuts deep there fella.

The last thing I encountered before I decided I'd laughed enough for one day was the end-of-level boss, who somewhat resembles Dynamo from Running Man. This turned out to be a strange encounter, whereby I'd knock him down, he'd start exploding a lot then get up and charge towards me. Obviously, nobody has told the cast of this game that multiple fatal explosions are actually supposed to kill you. I also discovered that my character was able to pick up and hurl the huge rocks that were lying on the ground at ease, so quite clearly we were dealing with some unearthly beings here. It makes you wonder what kind of people Greenpeace are recruiting these days...

Every once in a while, you'll come across a game like Growl and be glad you did. Even though it's by no means the best scrolling beat-'em-up I've ever played, any title that makes up for its shortfallings with unintendedly hilarious gameplay and quality slapstick dialogue are ok in my book.

[8/10]

Danger: Hazardous SNES Titles

Super Mad Champ (1995)

The biting September winds scythed through my shaking bones as I shoved open the door of the Doctor’s office. Dragging my feet over the frayed Berber, half-slumped, with eyes transfixed on its dirtied beige appearance, I shuffled towards the waiting area. As I reached it, the desk staff glanced up for a split second, gasped and burst out from behind her reception fortress in a flurry of papers.

‘Sir! Are you alright?’ the concerned receptionist asked.

‘I…I…I…’ - I was unable to utter a word in response.

‘This is serious… Dr. Johnson will see you right away.’

I nodded and she dashed off towards a nearby door, half knocking, half pummelling, then frantically grasped at the door handle before flinging herself through. Murmuring ensued, before a cry of ‘WHAT?!’ bellowed through every corner of the surgery. Subsequently, a large, bearded man with thick-rimmed glasses charged out from the open passage.

‘Mr. Kuczynski! Come in immediately!’

I complied, slowly, stumbling past the Nurse as she continued her conversation with the Doctor.

‘When will this madness ever end, Doctor?’ she exclaimed, a resounding fear in her tone.

‘It’s… too late now, dear. We can only try to help these poor, unaware people to continue their lives as normal human beings. There will be scars, hardship and anguish, but we must do our best.’

In agreement, the Nurse sighed, turning away and wiping emerging tears from her grief-stricken face.

‘Now Mr. Kuczynski’ the Doctor said, slamming the office door behind him and directing me to a seat, ‘although I have a good idea of what’s going on here, tell me exactly what you were doing to end up in this state.’

More together now, I began to stutter out sentences,

‘W… well, I was s… sitting at home, p…playing some S…SNES games… and….’

‘Go on.’

‘Well… I was playing some random titles for a b…blog I’m writing and…’

‘Yes…’

‘One of the games I ended up playing was… was…’ my eyes widened as I recalled the ordeal I’d just endured. I attempted to right myself.

‘Mr. Kuczynski?’

‘The g…game I played was… SUPER MAD CHAMP!’

‘Oh dear god…’ the Doctor whispered under his breath, his face awash with terror as he clambered off his seat and backed into a filing cabinet against the wall. Dabbing the sweat off his forehead with a rag, he continued,

‘Boy, listen to me - you are our only hope. You are the only lasting survivor of this horrific phenomenon which has plagued us for so long. Countless others have become brain-dead vegetables as a result, or just… well, I’m sure you can work that out for yourself. The point is, once you have regained full strength, you must write about your experiences for our research.’

‘B… but!’

The Doctor persisted, and began to hastily usher me out of the room.

‘It will be difficult, I cannot deny this. But it must be done. Your keyboard is your weapon and your mind the ammunition. Rob – we're depending on you. Go now and save humanity!’

So, here I am on Doctor’s orders, ready to tell the world about my near-fatal gaming episode. The game itself is so hazardous that Hans Blix had developer Tsukuda Original investigated for harbouring weapons of mass destruction. It’s also rumoured that prisoners on Death Row are forced to play this game for at least an hour a day as a repressive measure. Furthermore, there are reports that so-called ‘N-Force’ soldiers in Afghanistan had TV screens mounted on their chests, connected to a SNES playing this title in their backpack. Afghan casualties were countless.

Maybe.

To get down to real business, firstly, Super Mad Champ is in no way super. However, it can make you exceedingly mad. Let’s also change the ‘a’ in ‘champ’ to a ‘u’ instead, as you really are an utter chump if you ever decide to buy, play or even be in the same room as somebody entertaining this game.

My first impressions of the content, which is principally bike racing, led me to believe that the game was some kind of Hang On clone. These were eventually invalidated when the game turned out to be more like Road Rash, but I’ll explain about this more a little later.

When you begin, you’re offered the choice a couple of game modes - Grand Prix and Time Attack. You also have the chance to select one of five characters, although your decision doesn’t appear to have any statistical bearing when you race. Then, depending on how much money you want to try and win, you’re prompted to choose a track to compete on. Of course, the higher the money offered, the more complex the track. Notice I refrained from saying ‘difficult’ here.

The reason why this game does not become more ‘difficult’ is due to the fact that, through-and-through, this is an extremely easy game. For instance, don’t worry about hurtling down straights at top speed without knowing the course, because when you hit a corner, you won’t need to brake. Not only will you not need to brake, but you won’t even need to lift your finger off the accelerator. In fact, I don’t even think I discovered where the brake was. Yes, every corner that I encountered in this game could be taken flat-out. Even when I began power sliding due to cornering at these speeds, this didn’t cause me to under-steer or go any slower at all.

On discovering the atrocious physics the game had to offer, along with the fact that it has some of the jerkiest graphics ever to grace the SNES, I was asking myself why I had ever decided to put myself through the pain that Accidental Gaming can inflict on a man. I haven’t even started on the control system yet, which resembles trying to corner a Volvo on an ice rink, nor have I touched upon the abominable combat system that’s included.

Ah yes, the combat system.

Somehow, Tsukuda Original felt it could take on the mighty EA in the motorised violence stakes, which I suppose is fair enough considering the Road Rash series never actually graced the SNES. Even so, this does not mean that Tsukuda Original should be praised in any way for trying to bring something similar to the console. Instead, they should have been arrested.

To explain a bit more about the fighting system, when riding, it basically involves using the L and R buttons to take a swing at opponents around you. Unlike Road Rash, you don’t seem to be able to grab weapons off people, which quickly makes things extremely boring. However, what I did find mildly amusing is that if you happen to fall off your bike, watch out because other bikers will either try to run you over or dismount and proceed to deck the crap out of you. The game almost becomes like a basic version of Street Fighter at this point, as you use all of two attacks (punch and flying kick) to try and take your assailant’s health bar down. You can also pick up your downed bikes and throw them at each other.

There’s little else to mention about this game apart from the fact there’s a bike shop to go to with your winnings, where you can ogle newer bikes, have yours repaired or tune it up. As the game is in Japanese, I actually managed to sell my bike without having a replacement, which in retrospect was nothing short of a genius idea – no more bike, no more torture. It’s also good news for you guys reading as I’ve given this pile of shite far too much exposure already.

[0/10] (it won't go lower)

The Hunt for Red October (1992)

Ah, what a great film; nothing like watching everyone’s favourite pensioner commanding a sub full of Ruskies in a good old duke against the Americans. A movie made only more classic by the fact that nobody on the ship seems to notice that ‘Captain Marko Ramius’ is consistently speaking with a pronounced Scottish accent - ‘Och aye, Comrades!’

Naturally, when this game popped up on the randomiser, I was eager to get stuck in. Sitting in the warm glow of my screen, words began to emerge in front of me in typewriter-fashion, detailing the film’s storyline:

‘But according to repeated statements by both Soviet and American governments, nothing of what you are about to see … ever happened.’

Following my ten-minute session on The Hunt for Red October, I began to wonder if these statements were actually made in relation to the game itself, rather than a submarine incident.

The sad truth is that this rendition is average at best, adding itself to the heaving pile of dreadful film tie-ins (read: cash-ins) that have been released over the years. You take control of the Red October (used on the loosest of terms, because it could well be any old sub), where you’re fed assignments on a mission-orientated basis. Sounds exciting, but in reality these missions basically entail taking your sub out for a ride over side-scrolling levels and shooting anything that gets in your way. As for munitions, you have four methods of firing available, including a torpedo, a surface shot, a type of arcing shot and a depth charge. These run out over time, and can only be replenished by collecting glowing power-ups that are dotted around the sea. They also replenish some of your health at the same time, which incidentally works on a percentage basis.

There’s also a bonus stage available that involves shooting down adversaries in a first-person view. Incidentally, if you happen to own a Super Scope, now’s the time to dust off and plug in as you’re able to use it as an alternative to your joypad here. Indeed, after finding matters extremely sluggish-going using the d-pad during my woeful efforts, the Scope would seem like the most preferable option.

As much as I tried to like this game, it soon became apparent that this would be in vain. Despite encountering a range of different subs, ships and planes to dispatch on my travels, as well as mounted guns and enemy bases, fervour soon turned to monotony. Furthermore, as I touched upon previously, the game really could be any other submarine game if it wanted to be, with almost no nod in the direction of the film at all. At least Connery’s face appears on the box!

Taking this factor into account, I’m not sure that even die-hard fans of the film could find any long-term enjoyment from this title. There’s not enough variety by anybody’s standards, and a lack of solid gameplay means this one’s most certainly doomed to the depths of the Atlantic.

Now, where’s that Stolichnaya…

[3/10]

Sonic Blast Man (1992)

‘The Hero of Justice has arrived!’

I began looking around for the disclaimer. There was none to be found.

But, I digress.

Imagine for a moment, if you will, the lonely hearts section at the back of a newspaper. You’re a woman (stay with me here). Sad and lonely as you are, you begin scanning through the pages rammed with seedy advertisements, eager for something to hit you in the face; that special someone who will change your life forever. Sure enough, something eventually catches your eye. An advert with snazzy writing and lightning bolts for a border reads:

‘Sonic Blast Man – Hero of Justice. Superhuman build, fast-thinking, knowledge of all the right moves. Looking for a partner seeking lessons in law and order from the saviour of humanity, including upholding the integrity of society, foiling crime in the face of adversity and romantic candlelit dinners. Brain not required.’

It sounds all too good to be true. You read the last line again, suspiciously. Nevertheless, you’ve been waiting for this for too long – this has to be the one. Providing they aren’t a psycho, everything’s going to be peachy.

Such a shame everything doesn’t always go by the script, isn’t it?

Think of playing Sonic Blast Man as turning up at his address the next Saturday night and discovering that he lives in a caravan just off the M25. Eyebrow firmly raised, you tap hesitantly on the door.

A split second later, the door is flung open. Revealed is a man wearing spandex and brightly-painted cardboard boxes from head to toe, brandishing a tin-foil-covered egg-whisk in your face while proudly reciting the lyrics to ‘Take That and Party’.

Overweight and drooling, he attempts to maintain his balance as he gives his tone-deaf performance, toppling a nearby pile of beer cans onto the floor in the process. In the depths of the van, you glimpse a Christmas-light adorned shrine to what looks like Optimus Prime, comprising mainly of vast numbers of pictures and action figures. More worryingly, a worn-looking inflatable rendition of the Autobot leader is propped up against the back wall – decked out in a bra and matching thong.

The Hero of Justice hits the 2nd verse. You, violently screaming, turn and hurtle into the night.

Luckily for me, a) I’m not sad b) lonely or c) a woman and d) I have a power button. The last of these at least comes in most handy if you ever pick up Sonic Blast Man.

The game itself is a bog-standard scrolling beat-‘em-up, where you take on the role of the most uncharismatic super hero in history. Immediately, you notice how slowly he plods around the garish scenery. Now, I know the guy’s adorned in metal and everything, but come on, I’ve seen fridge-freezers move quicker than this.

Things aren’t much better in the moves department. The standard punch is swift, though it doesn’t build up into any kind of combo. There’s also a range of grab attacks and throws to be utilised, though they all pretty much amount to the same thing. You also have a special attack that makes you rise into the air in a helicopter-like fashion, but this drains energy and makes you stoop knackered on the floor for five seconds on landing, even if you don’t hit anything. Pressing this by accident can result in many large objects being thrown at your poor TV.

The enemies you encounter are your standard bland thugs, but they do take a good pummelling before their eventual disappearance into thin air. This is actually a pretty good thing, as you do need something to lay-into for a while to relieve the anger garnered by picking this game up in the first place. Similarly, the first level appeared to go on for absolutely ages, but I did eventually reach a boss character. Unfortunately, winning this battle turned out to be about as impossible as completing a Rubik Cube blindfolded. I lost my lives quickly and pressed continue. Finding myself back at the start of the level again, I hesitantly declined to play any more, dragging myself away from this wonderful title. Thank you, Taito, for this experience you have given me.

Hey, decking those thugs really did work!

Here’s another reason to hate… er love Sonic Blast Man. Remember the days when you used to toddle into your local arcade to have a few games on your favourite machines, quite happy with the befuddled combination of bleeps and musical scores buzzing around your ears. Then recall settling into your rhythm and racking up a potentially decent score, only to have your concentration abruptly shattered by a loud THWACK from the other end of the room. Disgruntled, you’d peer over to spy a pack of townies in puffer jackets, guffawing around one of the machines. Do you remember what that machine was? That’s right – the arcade version of Sonic Blast Man - every weedy chav’s weapon of choice for showing off his (lack of) prowess to his mates.

If this isn’t enough to put the Hero of Justice down in your estimation, I don’t know what is.

Please, oh mighty gods of all that is random, let me play just one nice game this week. Please?

[2/10]

Ardy Lightfoot (1994)

Ok, so I guess I’ve done something really bad lately.

Think of every platform game you’ve ever played. Now imagine perhaps one element from each of those, mash them all together in one big ugly lump and you pretty much have the confused muddle that is Ardy Lightfoot.

Here’s a rundown.

The name itself suggests something to do with being quick, and you’d be totally correct in thinking this as the method in which the character accelerates is extremely similar to that of Sonic the Hedgehog. Stopping is also uncannily comparable, and you can also push blocks around as Sonic would do. In the graphics department, the visuals remind me of a cross between Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle and Bubsy the Bobcat, and the way you have a little pet to throw around is not too dissimilar to Psycho Fox on the Master System. You also have the ability to pogo around using your tail, which borrows more than a little from Duck Tales. Not only this, but on the first level, you get the feeling you’re back in Super Mario Brothers 2 all over again with the ‘blow up wall by throwing bomb’ scenario you encounter early on.

I could go on for a while about other titles that this game sponges from, but it’s really not worth the exerting the effort – this game is a lacklustre affair. The controls are sluggish and the experience offers absolutely nothing that hasn’t been done better over the timeline of gaming. Apart from the music, the sound could well have been created using a BBC Micro, and there are some terrible design flaws present. For instance, at one part on level 2, you can collect an extra life by jumping up on some conveyor belts and walking along until you reach a chest. On doing this myself, I actually died on the way back down, but this was not a problem as after restarting from my checkpoint, I found that I was able to go back and collect the exact same extra life again. This is inexcusably lazy.

Furthermore, the beginning of the first ‘boss’ encounter at the end of the second level also made me chuckle, as I was able to stand within shooting range of the boss, but not be able to do any damage at all until I walked a bit further and the ‘event’ began. Small things like this make it all too apparent that Ardy Lightfoot was created without much love or thought.

There’s really no need to check this game out, and I hope my views have prevented you from experiencing a truly dire game. Boring, beaten by other platformers and best forgotten.

[1/10]

Gunforce – Battle Fire Engulfed Terror Island (1992)

You can put your teeth back in now.

Originally created by the famous Irem for the arcade, the SNES gained its own port a year later. With R-Type already tucked securely under its belt for a good few years, surely the godfather of horizontal shooters could adapt the formula in a platform-style environment? Well, not quite.

Stylistically, the game holds definite similarities to the series that Irem is so well known for, with chunky, detailed sprites and exaggerated explosions. The screen is constantly rammed with enemies from top to bottom which can get pretty hectic at times, but this is made slightly easier to bear as you don’t die on contact like you would in most games – they have to actually shoot you.

Although there’s no kind of Force in this game, you can collect a wide range of different arms, such as bazookas, flamethrowers and auto-firing weapons. There’s also the opportunity to commandeer certain vehicles and gun mounts that you come across on your travels, which puts a slightly different spin on proceedings. Some of these are laughably implemented, such as being able to somehow fly a helicopter while you’re stationed on its side gun and manoeuvring it like a Harrier Jump-Jet in the process. Maverick would be jealous.

The level design is interesting enough to keep you playing, and the boss encounters are nicely choreographed. In a lot of ways, the game reminded me of something from the Contra series, but unfortunately it’s not quite up there with that kind of royalty. Gunforce just seems to lack something.

Despite the sheen plastered on by Irem’s artists, the gameplay itself becomes rather insipid as you trudge through each stage. None of the gun upgrades you collect are particularly exciting, and there’s no real thought or strategy required in dispatching enemies effectively, just a lot of jumping around firing. However, if it’s some no-strings-attached mindless blasting you’re after, then I suppose you can’t really go wrong here.

As a short disclaimer, this game could well be less playable than I made out, but I’ve almost forgotten what a decent game is over the course of this last period of randomness. If I’ve learned anything this week it’s that the SNES had some truly awful titles that should be left dead and buried at any cost. Gunforce is by far the best of an atrocious bunch.

[6/10]

Tales from the NES

Double Dribble (1986)

Konami’s 8-bit Hyper Dunk predecessor was the first title to be deemed worthy of my time by the gods of random selection. As a basketball player myself throughout my schooling, I was interested to see how accurate the game would be portrayed on the humble NES, however, having already played some monstrosities on later consoles, such as David Robinson’s Supreme Court and Jordan vs Bird on the Mega Drive, I wasn’t hoping to be blown away too much.

On firing up, I was greeted by a digitised fellow announcing the game’s title, in the token muffled style that was natural to the early days of digital speech manipulation within games. After selecting the first of the paltry two game modes offered (1 Player or Versus), and watching a cutscene of what appeared to be a building doomed by a flood, I was presented with the abundant option screen.

Sorry, that was supposed to be ‘abject’.

There’s a whole four teams to choose from, the ability to change the time (you can choose up to 30 minutes a period if you’re a masochist) and a selection between three skill levels. Not only that, but navigating this barren set of options is made needlessly annoying due to the fact that a player in the bottom corner on your screen can't help but exercise his urge to take a bloody shot every time you change something, so I left most things untouched.

After finally arriving on-court and getting used to the simple controls, I soon found myself down by about 20 points as the first period drew to a close. What happened out there, champs? Well, stealing and blocking is extremely hit-and-miss for starters, with your players spasmodically flailing their arms around when you press one of the buttons and generally seeming to get nothing useful done. On some occasions, you’d just steal without any animation at all and be left scratching your head as to how you managed it. There’s also a couple of other minor details that could have been done better, such as the inclusion of shot clock which is criminally absent, and the fact that the ‘seven team fouls’ rule is nowhere to be seen. In essence, this means your opponent is going straight to the free throw line right from the off if you nail them illegally anywhere on the court.

Apart from these small mishaps, the game was actually pretty fun to play. Charging down the court and slamming the ball in gives you one of a selection of pre-rendered dunk scenes, which look relatively striking for an 8-bit. The graphics on the whole are colourful and nicely animated, although there is some flicker present that can get somewhat annoying. The gameplay itself is swift-paced and responsive, with players telegraphing passes to each other at arm-breaking speeds, however, any NBA player who missed as many three-pointers as I did during my match-up would be out on their ear faster than you could say ‘bricklayer’.

Continuing through my gruelling match, stopping only to be treated with an excellently choreographed half-time show in-between (see caption), I soon found myself raking my way back into the game, mainly thanks to the AI’s woeful free-throw skills. But alas, my brave New Yorkers were downed 58 to 44 by the final buzzer.

As for tonight’s post-match recap, this one’s worth a look if you want something quick and fun to pass some time, but don’t expect any kind of tournament mode to sink your teeth into as you won’t find one here. Furthermore, I still have the feeling that basketball games never really took off until the quite stupendous NBA Jam was unleashed onto the general population. Most likely, it’s there you should be looking for your ball-in-hoop needs.

Score: [6/10]

Journey to Silius (1990)

According to the ever-omniscient Wikipedia, this game was originally planned and developed under the impression that it would be taking on the Terminator license for its final release, but had to be changed dramatically when Sunsoft lost the rights to be able to use elements of the prestigious classic in its title. This could have been a missed opportunity, as past experience shows that Sunsoft are one of the rare companies that has ever done something decent with a movie license, in the excellent Batman on the Gameboy which they released later in 1992. Nevertheless, perhaps they wouldn’t need Arnie’s chiselled maw and razor-sharp one-liners after all as, really, the license elements didn’t add anything notable to Batman in the gameplay department.

Before I continue, a quick question for you all: ever played Mega Man? I’m sure you have.

Unfortunately, this pretty much makes the rest of my review somewhat redundant, as Journey to Silius tries to do much of what our shiny blue friend did so well, but in ways that are simply not as good. However, as I’m not one for telling half a story, let’s proceed.

Deceptively, the intro sequence is rather smartly rendered, creating a gloomy ambience with some atmospheric music and anime-style scenes. The gist of the situation is that interplanetary terrorists have blown up your father’s colonisation vessel, leaving you, as Jay McCray, to avenge his death and prevent Skynet from taking over the wor… oops, sorry.

After the classy cinematics had raised my hopes about the game a little, my enthusiasm soon rescinded as I found the actual game to be an extremely bland affair indeed. Running from left to right with pea-shooter in hand, I began dispatching the array of robotic ‘terrorists’ and gun placements that stood in my path, which to be fair, offered some variety in their attack patterns at least. Some of these dropped power-ups which enabled me to select other guns from the pause screen, such as a shotgun (3-way bullets) and a machine gun (rapid fire). These extra obtained arms would run out of energy with use, whereas your starting handgun gave the benefit of unlimited ammo. Of course, this interface is curiously similar to Mega Man’s own.

Encouraging myself to get to the end of at least a couple of levels, the final encounters I tackled had me overcoming a sub-boss or two, before being transported to a rocky location to meet something a little more sizeable. Undeniably, the boss characters were bold and intimidating, but not particularly detailed or exciting in their actions, and once I’d succumbed to the might of a large tank at the end of level 2, I’d had my fill. By this time I’d also realised that game knows you probably won’t be sticking around for too long, and generously gives you infinite continues to try and coax you into another go. It’s a mystery as to why you would though, as there’s also no apparent scoring system to speak of, so going back to try and beat a previous best isn’t even an option for longevity’s sake. Plus, as I’m sure you’ve picked up from my waffling so far, the game is too dull to warrant further entertainment.

My advice to you on this one would be to steer clear and play one of the Mega Man games instead. Additionally, you should check out Batman if you have the chance, to get an idea of how Sunsoft could also do great things in games development. Finally, I feel the Contra series is also similar enough in game-type to be a worthy alternative recommendation.

Score: [3/10]

Star Soldier (1988)

Being one of the earliest developers for the Famicom, Hudson Soft naturally moved on to making games for the NES when it became available, previous to its projects within the PC Engine scene. As the creators of the Bomberman series, amongst other things, Hudson were certainly no slouches when it came to making some truly enjoyable titles. And, with the software house’s release of Star Soldier for Nintendo’s beloved toaster, it was undeniably apparent that they weren’t just a one-trick pony.

The first thing that pleased me with this game is that there is no intro sequence to watch, no characters to try and relate to and no cookie-cutter sci-fi tale forcing you to lengthen your wait before you can dive into the real action. Instead, Star Soldier simply offers a bold indication of the game you just shoved in your console with a hi-score feature slapped underneath. No game modes, no options, no messing around.

Conversely, the game does have a demo mode present, and while I was scrawling down a few ideas before having actually pressed anything, this gave me the first indication as to what the game was - a vertical shoot-‘em-up. No problems there as a fan of the genre myself, and my mind turned to past experiences of Galaga for the system, which was every bit as gratifying and taxing as the arcade version. Star Soldier would have a tough time stealing the crown on this occasion.

Warping into the first level and discovering the RSI-inducing firing system, I plunged headlong into the first wave of enemies – quite literally. This is the first noticeable difference between the game and Namco’s shooter, in that you can move vertically as well as horizontally around the playing field. The ship is also much quicker so you have greater freedom to move and dodge enemy assaults.

That’s not all, because as I began zapping my way through more aliens than you'd find in a Ridley Scott film, I noticed my ship would suddenly stop firing on occasion and somehow disappear out of sight. At first, I thought I must have been lax and slammed into some of the scenery looming below; however, I soon emerged miraculously unscathed from beneath the said landscape, escaping the enemy fire above. Some might say this was a nice design element, but in reality, this curious occurrence doesn’t really enhance the overall experience at all, as it becomes frustrating when your unrelenting shoeing of Martians is interrupted because you’ve inexplicably decided to duck beneath the surface without so much as a by-your-leave. More importantly, this can also lead to missing vital power-ups, as there’s no way to collect them below ground level.

Setting that issue aside, this brings me nicely onto the array of upgrades you can obtain for your ship (as long as the game lets you!). Your first enhancement is a speed boost, making your craft even more manoeuvrable than before. Next time around it’s an attack upgrade, stapling a rear gun onto your tail and making your bullets apparently stronger. Finally, and with a change in the incidentally notable soundtrack, the last improvement to your arsenal comes in the form of a 5-way laser, giving a three-pronged attack from the front and two diagonal bullet streams from behind. The havoc really begins now, as your newfound power enables you annihilate formation upon formation of enemy assaults.

Of course, this does not bring total invincibility, and after dying for the final time and eagerly jamming the start button for another go, on this subsequent mission I found myself reaching the boss character, ‘Star Brain’. From the levels I played, this hefty destroyer is your only arch nemesis to feature throughout the game, which is somewhat of a shame in the variety stakes at least. It wasn’t too hard to dispatch either, although following my first apparent vanquishing of the brute, I was presented with ‘Brain Escaped’ across the screen, and my ship appeared to be knocked back from whence I came. Nevertheless, on our next toe-to-toe, justice prevailed and the stellar grey matter was defeated (for now).

In a nutshell, this game is great fun, and I still found myself heading back for more goes while writing this. The action is instant and despite a couple of niggles, your enjoyment is not hampered as a result. Naturally, the game does pale a little in relation to later shooters released on the market, but for some old-fashioned astral blasting you can’t really go wrong here. Han Solo, eat your heart out.

Score: [8/10]

Dragon Buster (1987) (Famicom)

Argh! What did I do to deserve this one?

I have actually played this tripe before in the Arcade and it didn’t last long there either. Dragon Buster is clearly the Namco(t) equivalent of a Keith Floyd cooking program, meaning that those responsible were without a doubt more drunk than a Russian president when they created this atrocity of their trade. Independent inspection teams should be set-up to tackle this kind of dross ever being allowed to be developed again for as long as humanity exists.

Wait… wasn’t there that ‘Nintendo Seal of Quality’ thing which was meant to signify something?

Nope, Nintendo’s coveted seal was sadly only there to guarantee that no adult content was present in a game and that the developer had paid Nintendo a hefty license fee. Furthermore, Japanese games didn’t ‘benefit’ from the whole scheme as it was never released in that territory. My theory? Perhaps there was an abundance of dire titles such as Dragon Buster in the East (which should be deemed unsuitable for all ages at any cost), meaning the NSQ would have only been rendered useless if introduced there anyway. Why do you think our reptile-smashing subject here never gained an official release in the rest of the world?

If you are actually crazy enough to want to play this game, the character you’re presented with is a standard looking fantasy chap, apparently named ‘Clovis’, who has one whole method of attack to begin with – the whirly sword move! Following initial grimacing at how unresponsive this is, you can then get really advanced and combine this devastatingly annoying attack with a double tap of your joypad, to create a kind of running… whirly sword move. And hey, if you’re feeling adventurous, try incorporating it with a jump! Actually, don’t get me started on the jumping system in this game, which basically consists of a regular jump and a ‘double’ jump. Shockingly, these are even more unresponsive than your pitiful excuse for swordsmanship, meaning you not only fail at that but also vertical leaping too. In short, your guy is the fat kid who got picked last in PE at school.

By this point, you may think I’m sounding a little harsh on the game – don’t, you’re wrong. However, to throw some kind of solace to the damned, the original Arcade game was released in 1984, at a time when most games companies were either taking learning steps or folding due to the great Video Game Crash. What is non-forgivable is the fact that the Famicom port was released a whole three years later than this and no effort was made to make it any better whatsoever. Why port such a poor title in the first place? Sega were doing things a hundred times better with Wonder Boy in Monster Land in the same year! To make matters worse, it’s confirmed that Namco are indeed perhaps the most evil games company after EA in that they went ahead and included the original Dragon Buster in Namco Museum Volume 2. Are you going to call Amnesty International or am I?

In an attempt to retain my own sanity, here’s a quick summary of the points I haven’t covered yet. After completing each level you’re bought to a map screen, where you are able to choose your path of progression at certain intervals, giving variety as to what kind of bland background you’ll receive in the next ‘action-packed’ stage. You can also collect other objects as the game goes on, like health potions, equipment and one-use magic items, such as fireball scrolls, but please don't get the idea that this makes the game any better. Once you have bored yourself through level upon level of dragons, skeletons and wizards, you get to fight a giant dragon who takes up the entire screen. Impressive, you might think, although five kamikaze hits later it was on the floor. Similarly, I was also on the floor; sleeping.

Do yourself a favour: don’t play this. As mentioned earlier, Wonderboy in Monster Land is leaps, bounds and… bloody hell that jumping system was bad…

Score: [1/10]

Bee 52 (1992)

Although this game was released fairly late on in the NES’ existence with the 16-bit era already in full swing, the powerhouses at Codemasters were still squeezing what last drops of goodness they could out of the ageing machine. Of course, as the inventors of the infamous Game Genie which resulted in a subsequent lawsuit from Nintendo, this title was released unlicensed.

Despite having enjoyed previous Codies titles such as BMX Simulator, the Dizzy series to some extent, and of course, the legendary Micro Machines, I have to say that Bee 52 is most likely not something I would have picked up when browsing through the games section in WH Smiths back in the day. In fact, my actual impression was ‘oh god, I’ve been dealt a kids’ game’ at first.

Nevertheless, after having played some extremely questionable games recently (no names), I felt that my luck could only be in escalation. Sure enough, my poor neighbours could enjoy some time off from barrages of profanity tonight, as Bee 52 is really quite a playable little title. If you hadn’t already guessed, the name ‘Bee 52’ is naturally a spoof of the American B-52 bomber, and purposefully clues you into the subject matter of the game.

Taking on the role of a bee yourself, your job is to carry out the main task of any bee’s life – flying between flowers and collecting pollen by having a nose-around inside. On doing this in Bee 52, a spoon next to the honey pot on the bottom-right of your screen begins to rise, indicating how much your current efforts will fill the pot up. Once you have collected more than your pollen sacs can handle, it’s time to dart back to headquarters to, um… unload.

The game is very similar in style to something like Defender, with your bee starting from a hive at one end of the map and the screen scrolling horizontally as you buzz around over the landscape. There are two standard attacks available to you as you begin doing your duty for her royal highness, one being some kind of forward-shooting gun and the second being a sting attack, which is used for killing enemies below you. This system actually works extremely well, and you’ll need to utilise it masterfully in relation to the strengths and weaknesses of the assortment of other insects that you’ll encounter on your travels, such as spiders, grasshoppers and ants. A quick word about the ants for a moment here, being that if you don’t kill them quickly enough, they will proceed to hinder your efforts by stealing honey from your precious store, so a certain degree of awareness is necessary as you play.

To progress through the levels in this game, your basic requirement is to fill the entire honey pot to the brim before the time runs out. New foes are introduced as you battle through each area of undergrowth, though luckily, there is a surprisingly wide array of power-ups to collect along the way to make your life slightly easier, such as bullet upgrades, a shield and a tiny sidekick friend who acts a bit like the Force in R-Type. Intrigued by the small details that Codemasters has included in this game, it soon became apparent that this was no outing made for children, but a deceivingly solid shooter beneath the cutesy exterior.

So, another enjoyable release from the Southam boys, while perhaps not everybody’s cup of tea. I also have a feeling it could become tedious in the longevity stakes.

Score: [6.5/10] (yeah, it’s a half-score, so what?)

Intro

Accidental Gaming - how does it work? Basically, here's what you do: choose any format of your liking, select a bunch of games in the most random manner available to you (5 is a good number), then write about your experiences. You are allowed to choose another game if you encounter something ridiculous like a Japanese RTS that you'd have no chance of making a review about, and you can also come back to a console as many times as you like.

Thanks for visiting!

Mega Drive Saga

To start off, here's what I played yesterday on the Mega Drive:

Mazin Saga (1993)

A side-scrolling beat 'em up where you (as the main sword-wielding character) go around in an alternate year 1999 slicing up robots and generally causing grief to machinekind.

The graphics are nothing special at all, with fairly tiny sprites and minimal environmental detail. In the moves department, there didn't seem to be a huge amount at first, but a few more could be found tucked away in there once you had a play around, such as an E. Honda-style 100 sword swipe achieved by mashing the attack button and a rushing flying spinny twirly... yeah you get the picture.

To the game's credit, it kept me entertained for about five or ten minutes anyway, but I don't think I'd go back to it again as it was starting to become a bit mundane. Furthermore, there are a variety of other beat 'em ups like Battletoads that do the job far better.

Score: [5/10]

High Seas Havoc (1994)

I remember reading about this one in MEGA a while back, where it received a completely average score by all accounts. Sure enough, the guys didn't disappoint as this game is absolutely middle of the road.

Taking control of... um... a feline-looking rodent-pirate hybrid, your goal is to collect diamonds while jumping on enemies and avoiding objects such as rocks and dynamite.

In fact, I don't really need to explain much more about this game, other than it's patently Data East's attempt at doing their own Sonic. The level design shows more than a striking resemblance, and after puzzling over where my attack key was, it appears there's only the option to jump on the heads of your foes to dispatch them. Sounding familiar yet?

The thing that does set the game apart from the Sonic series is that it's nowhere near as quick. Think of Mouseypirate the Wondercat being the Pensioner on their way to cash their Giro, with Sonic being the wiley Scouser who nicks off with their handbag and into the distance before they get the chance to do so. In summary, this game is probably best avoided.

Score: [4/10]

Starflight (1991)

From the minute the game asked me to 'enter captain's name', I knew this was going to turn out to be some dodgy Elite-influenced encounter which I really cannot be bothered to play right now.

As I blasted through the multitude of screens with random information sprawled all over and pretty much ignoring the trade and ship upgrade areas, my concentration was already beginning to lapse. It actually took me about 10 minutes to be deemed ready to venture out into the final frontier, as naming my ship and hiring crew members was mandatory. Oh, and the fact that it took what seemed like full minutes to get from one side of the 'station' to the other didn't help either - a character perhaps even slower than the Piratecat?

Nevertheless, soon came the moment of triumph - I was ready to launch! Trying to contain my excitement, I sat in glee as the doors opened, some of the worst sound effects I've ever heard pummled my unexpecting ears and I was greeted by what looked like the 'flying through space' screensaver from an old PC. This was going to be great!

The next course of events mainly consisted of me trying to exit the orbit of the space station (didn't know they had a planetary core?), hurtling towards the nearest planet and having my Science Officer 'Jeff' tell me what was on it.

More random information greeted me warmly onscreen.

'Thanks Jeff, now where's the power switch?'

Score: [3/10]

Burning Force (1990)

This little '3D' shooter by Namco is pretty much their own version of Space Harrier. The main difference with this one is that you can obtain Power Ups as you progress over each barren wilderness, while taking down the usual gaggle of enemies and either shooting or avoiding obstacles on your way. You also seem to change from being on a hover scooter to a plane on some levels, and the bonus stage looks like something out of I, Robot, or an early version of Starwing.

The game doesn't seem too bad, but after playing Space Harrier recently in the Retroleague, I wasn't prepared to put myself through the mill again. Worth a look in any case.

Score: [5/10]

Dangerous Seed (1990)

Another Namco(t) game, this time a vertical shooter. On first impressions, the game seemed fairly tricky, with the ship being relatively slow and enemy bullets being as quick as something you might expect from an arcade. There are the usual power ups and weapon changers to be collected, as well as missiles and health. The game actually gives you 3 rechargable segments of health here, so it's more forgiving than most. There also seems to be some kind of 'formation' system going on, but I couldn't change it from Alpha which it was defaulted on, nor did I know what this would actually achieve.

The graphics were passable, but nothing like some of the excellent shmups you can get your hands on today, or even at that time. Sound is nothing to write home about either, with no 'pew pew' from your own laser and a fairly bog-standard soundtrack. Saying this, Dangerous Seed does look like something I'd go back to for another go, as we all know Namco have done some damn good shooters in the past, so it will most likely be a solid experience.

Score: [6/10]